Happy Birthday To MEEEEEE

Today I turned 40. There was a lot of anticipation from others asking over the past year, "What are you doing for the big Four Ohh??" I had grandiose plans a long time ago. Reality arrived today and it has been perfect. Much easier than 30. Peaceful. Content. Accomplished. When I think about being 20 and what I wanted for my life, I have it. How many people can say that? Sure, I still have goals, a long road ahead with further challenges and things unknown, but all in all, I am happy today. I have a great life, great kids, great husband and many blessings. What more could I ask for on this day??

How did I spend it? Two music filled cards that my kids picked out (one with a bear burping, which cracked them up - dd's choice, and a police car with sirens - my son's - both more for a drunken party person, but they didn't know that!) I got to go pick out a new dishwasher as mine crapped out last night (after being repaired a few times over the past few years. I ate lunch with a girlfriend at a cute little cafe. I hit the Container Store and grabbed a few things to make a "wrapping station" as I'm so sick of being attacked in my closet by the random bags and boxes of "wrapping stuff". I found a new purse and bought it for myself, which later turned out to have been a big save for my husband as he only had two hours to "get Mommy a present" when our 5 yr old announced to Daddy this morning that she didn't have anything and was quite upset. Rather than them going out after school, the store bag was handed over and I did a great fake job of being over the moon surprised. Little man gave me lots of kisses and a few imaginary gifts - a new blue car that can fly and a hammer . . . . hmmm. Then I ate a fab dinner cooked by kids and daddy, blew out a few candles, and darted off to my night class to write a midterm I didn't bother studying for. I'm on a plane in the early AM for a 4 day visit to NYC - my first ever, and I'm very excited. Hubby planned the whole thing (and we all know how much I hate planning!!), so all I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. He is the best person I have ever travelled with, which makes it all the better, and NYC is one of his favorite places on earth, so he's sure to show me a great time. All I know is we are staying down town on Central Park and starting with a show on Friday night.

Today life is good, and I'm just enjoying the moment of peace.

Thanks for the comments over the past few months, which I just found today! Time to start taking notes as I'm blogging from class . . .

All aboard! The Crazy Train has been running through here a little too often. An update:

I am very impressed with the way my new "system" has been working. After my last post, I managed to create blackline masters for a weekly menu plan, personal schedule (weekday/weekend), system to keep my calendars/todo's synced, responsibility charts for the kids AND have kept a clean house, organized work areas, clean kid rooms and stocked fridge - all while getting massive amounts of homework done. If you are interested in copies - send me a note and I'm happy to share.

Sounds great except for the reality of it all. The process of creating the forms brought out the best of my OCD/Type A/perfectionistic tendencies. I spent hours, literally, scanning the internet for JUST the right form - but ended up creating my own. I looked for more hours for meal ideas (despite being a great cook), so I could fill my meal binder and get my system up and running. This is when it really fell apart. I have a massive unconscious fear of failure (it became obvious to me, if I wasn't already aware of it at some level) as finding the "right" meals to fill in my silly chart was an overwhelming task. Somehow, I had concluded that I had to get it perfect before I actually hit print. Crazy. Then, after being up until 5am in a manic state, so proud of myself for fighting myself and getting it done, realized within minutes that my "perfect plan" wasn't at all functioning for me once I got off the computer and put it in to play . . . .

Lesson number 1: A working draft is much more reasonable than a finished product, and changing a system is part of the process. Nothing life threatening will happen to you if you get something down on paper and then change your mind.

Former Irrational Belief: once I had committed it to paper, if it changed, I must be a failure for not having figured it out in the first place.

Next came the "behavior chart" for the kids, in an attempt to get them on board with helping out and being more responsible. More hours of searching for just the right system, and falling into the same trap. I finally found what worked for me and my beliefs (not a sticker reward system but a self reflection for them at the end of the day). Chart made, icons found.

The week began and I followed my schedule. It was hard sticking to one task and following through rather than flitting from thing to thing accomplishing nothing. I like my schedule. I bit the bullet and made my shopping list for the week (off my meal plan) and stuck to it as I walked the isles of Target. Comedy of it all . . . for the past two weeks I have only made one of the meals from the plan due life events. BUT, I have the ingredients to whip up one of the meals at any moment.

Lesson Learned: Even with a plan, spontaneity still works. A plan is a guide, not a doctrine.

Former Irrational Belief: If I committed it to paper, I would have to stick to it. I would have to fit my life to "the plan" rather than the plan to life. I can still be me (spontaneous and going with the flow, yet have direction)

The "gadgets" I love are the Iphone and the "shopper" and "toodledo" apps. I have toodledo on my Mac, as I really didn't like the visual of Notes/email etc. I am a VERY visual person, and basically process that way, so being able to have everything in front of me to see, regardless of where I am, really helps.

The Mom Agenda is redundant at this point, but I use it to help me focus for my "weekly" overview. I make sure I have my calendar up to date on my iphone/computer (they're synced, so I don't do it twice) and I write my notes from phone calls or things coming up for the week in the designated areas - Kids, Homework, House . . . it's a great "week at a glance" system, while my Iphone is great for booking the appointments while on the spot. I place my stickies in there as well so I have them for the week to transfer info when needed (to do list etc)

Lesson Learned: A new system can still incorporate the things that worked prior to it. I love stickie notes, and having them all in one place works for me better than all over the walls and counters.

Former Irrational Belief: an overhaul means out with the old and in with the new. Down with stickies because I lose them.

And finally, the main reasons the Crazy Train has been boarded come from the real life events that mess up all my planning. We have work issues for my husband that change daily. It's a roller coaster ride and I'm exhausted. These are big ticket items and I would love to have some closure. We thought my father in law was diagnosed with ALS and on his last few months, prepped for hospice and estate planning finals, then were given a rediagnosis and possible treatment option (CIPD rather than ALS, which is treatable) All very good new, just more emotional roller coastering! My current course instructor loves to give mountains of busy work, with minimal direction, then decides what she wants after we've completed it and sees our products. This equals more hours of time planning, searching and developing programs only to have to revamp them. Impact on me and my family . . . they've hardly seen me, which sucks as hubby has been away (dealing with dad and work!) since the great Overhaul. And just when it seemed I had enough of my plate (which is always overflowing), we had a liver biopsy done on our son Monday - his second - to try and determine the cause and treatment options for a liver issue that has been ongoing for years. After a full day at a hospital, with some major errors in communication which led us to think he was in surgery twice as long as needed getting intervention from the cardiologist (a story for a different day), and a five hour recovery period, I got the call from his doctor yesterday that went like this:

Mrs. P - I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it . . . . . (my heart instantly in my throat and adrenalin rush hits) they've lost the biopsy sample and we have to do it again. This has never happened in my history of being a doctor. (And he's OLD) I don't know what to say other than I feel sick about it.

I am never speechless. This did me in though. I sat in silence. I didn't know quiet what to say either. I was still trying to get over the thought that I was going to hear a horrid diagnosis, while also trying to determine what this meant for my sweet four year old boy . . .

We're booking in again in the next few weeks. We're getting another ultrasound, more blood work, another little sleep thanks to the anesthesiologist , biopsy puncture into the old hole, 5 hr recovery (to watch for internal bleeding). I'm sooo excited!!! NOT. I can only pray at this point that it is all worth it and we at least get some answers.

Off to do more homework, and get some groceries. Life is never dull, that's for sure!

Stress = Change, Self Discipline = Success

No, this is not me . . . but it is definitely how I've been feeling around here lately! Despite all my efforts to stay on top of keeping house and kids organized, homework completed and self sane, I have been doing a dismal job resulting in more than a desired amount of yelling at my kids and a constant feeling on trying to catch up. My husband does not believe that at heart, I love a very orderly environment although I demonstrate chaos around me most of the time. One improvement came from moving to the Iphone apps and keeping notes, calendar, too do's and shopping lists etc. in one place. As a visual person, I find a print out of the monthly calendar by the phone also helped. Then there are the stickies I place on the counter as I remember things to add to the lists . . . and the basket on the stairs for kid clutter I collect that needs to get put away . . . and the constant reminders for the kids to listen to what I've just asked them to do and actually follow through . . . oh, and this term's massive amount of homework (I'm doing my masters) . . . oh wait, now school is back and there are the folders and kinder homework and guided reading . . . . and where did I put that list . . . . and hey, I need to check my email . . . . wait, we are late for karate and I can't find the uniforms I just put out to get the kids into . . . ahhhhh.

So last weekend I lost it - my sanity - and decided it was time to get it back. Isn't the saying that when you keep doing things the way you've always done them, you'll keep getting the same results? I was confused, because I had worked really hard to get a bunch of new systems going on in the name of organization. The pantry got a make over last spring (yes, that helped!), I have bins everywhere so that everything has a place, but it still was a madhouse. The kids and I spent the entire weekend reorganizing toys, reducing the amount of "stuff", updating the clothes by sorting, replacing or donating. Still, this week was crazy. This morning, the epiphany came - after a week of hell with an assignment I had been working on. I have two MAJOR skill deficits - committing to a schedule and following through/procrastinating. Regardless of all the organization strategies I have in place, I am still a random person who like to wing it. I need to face my fear of failure and learn to become one with some goals and planning. Daily life is NOT coming together for me simply by waking in the morning and seeing how it all unfolds. Having appointments and commitments on a calendar is not enough. Today, I bit the bullet and revised my plan. I made a daily schedule, am in the process of making a weekly meal plan/grocery list (thanks to my g/f finding a site that includes grocery list)and set the following goals:

1. Follow my schedule for one week and evaluate

2. Use the MomAgenda as my main source of planning for the week (instead of stickies!), then use iphone for the same things I have been that are working: to do list, shopping list etc.

3. Complete one task before I move on to the next

4. Use Saturday for prepping the week ahead (meal planning, writing out the following week on the Momagenda etc.)

5. Reward positive behavior! (kids and myself!)

In addition, starting last week, I have gotten much stricter with the kids and following through. I also need to walk the walk, and model what I am wanting from them. Before fun, get required stuff done. Before moving on, finish what you are doing. Listen the first time (which means I need to be disciplined in stopping, facing them, and speaking rather than throwing out a request as I scurry around getting things done).

Maybe to some, it doesn't sound like much, but for me, this is massive. As a former teacher, I would have panic attack over goal setting and scheduling (guess why I'm not working anymore!!) but thanks to maturity/experience, family necessity, and two more years of education, I've concluded that I am my own worst enemy and it's time to face my fears. If I fail, yes, fail, (the "Word which may not be named" in a perfectionist's world), the worst that will happen is life will return to the state it already is - Stressed. If I succeed, hurray for me, and hello peace! At least in one aspect of my life. The kids and their development (fighting, back talking, learning to be responsible), that's ongoing. With my 40th birthday a few weeks away, I have finally chosen to let go of the old habits and thinking patterns, and embrace the challenge of something new.

I like the concept of "planners" but have never found the Office Depot version suited to my needs. The Mom Agenda was given to me by my Planning Freak sister in law, so I didn't really pay much attention because she's been packing a filofax for years and my iphone apps seemed much more suited to my randomness. Then my neighbor brought hers out yesterday and told me it was her bible. When I looked at mine again this morning during my epiphany, all the pieces of my puzzle started to come together, and the thing really rocks. If you haven't checked it out, do so.

Time to move on to the next task! I hear the laundry . . .