Happy New Year Tomorrow

In preparation for tomorrow and a fresh start on a tumultuous year, I have ordered and received the above book. After a few returns to momagenda.com, in search of the perfect organization system, I have concluded that the best system for me is the one I create all on my own. I have hooked up with a few blog/sites such as Simple Mom , The Organized Parent, and List Plan It, and hope to have my world in order by the end of January, if not sooner! Today (New Year's Eve) begins with unloading the play room and kids' rooms with a ruthless vengeance not seen around here for years (or the last time I got on a purge kick!) which will carry over to the sleeping hours when my innocent children are not around to tell me they can't live without the item they haven't touched in years.

My previous OCD kick with getting organized lasted for a few weeks, and although was great in concept, became over ruled by a combination of old habits, life events and lack of a total system (ie: having other partners in the house contributing to the system!) That being said, we're starting the new years with some new habits. And since DH is now home for minimum of 6 months to share the house with me, I'm on an even bigger mission to get things sorted out and him trained from the get go. We sent off the last of the Xmas visitors this morning, have the last load of laundry in the dryer and are about to tackle the "toys". Wish me luck while I attempt to clean out a LOT of stuff.

This afternoon, rather than my old way of wandering through the Container Store looking for a system to pop out at me, I'm going to spend the time to read through my book, spend this week making the purges then making a list of items I need to complete the task of TOTAL organization, and training the troops to help out. Rather than New Year's Resolutions, we are simply starting fresh - tomorrow - hopefully without a hangover :)

Time for a new perspective

We have been trying to find a book lately for Darien to get inspired about. Magic Tree House has come and gone, the Disney fairy series was last year, and Junie B Jones (thank goodness) was a one afternoon wonder. Even the American Girl series books kept her in the moment, but she wasn't so inspired to read them on her own. I finally convinced her to listen to me read her the first chapter of this one, a book I had bought at the book fair months ago - and alas - we have a hit.

I think the draw for Darien is that she swims like a fish herself, and often refers to herself as a mermaid. This tale starts out with a girl entering water for the first time and feeling her legs start to fuse together. D fills with anticipation with each few paragraphs and seems to have finally clicked with something - perhaps the hope that she is secretly a mermaid as well.

The reason I'm thinking about this so much right now, aside from her jumping in to my bed this morning to tell me that Emily had met another mermaid last night after I left, is that we are facing some big changes here as well. Similar to the character Emily in D's new book, the house hold/marriage is about to under go a metamorphosis. Unsure of what these new changes will mean for our family, I'm feeling a little like Emily: apprehensive and excited all at once. When my husband looked at me last night and commented that I "didn't look too sure" about things, I later tried to explain where the roots of my apprehension may be sprouting from, only to fall in to the familiar trap of defensiveness/fix it rather than acknowledgement. He was looking for me to be in the next chapter already, having embraced all the change himself, while I was, for the moment, feeling a little more unsure of what might be happening to my "legs" . . . . I'm going from being a land walker to a tail flapper having my workaholic husband join me full time and although very excited about the new things out there to discover about my husband and my relationship, still processing the transition phase before swimming off in to the deep blue sea. In the meantime, I'll enjoy hearing my sweet girls excitement as she get's lost in the imaginary world she is discovering in literature.

Norman Rockwell moment - or is it?

The traditional turkey dinner. Fancy table, fancy clothes, fancy food . . . it really was a wonderful day. I am so thankful for all the gifts of life bestowed upon me. I am blessed. And then this morning arrived. The kids argued. They fought. They ignored. Refusals. Hitting. Backtalk. How do things shift so quickly? A few days and blissful moment is transformed to lunatic mother (and no, I don't look that amazing when I'm pulling my hair out and screaming!). Maybe it is too much to ask given all my blessings, that my kids just do what I ask without reducing me to a bundle of tears hiding behind closed doors over something as simple as trying to get out the door to school in the morning. Maybe it is just hormones. It is a thankless job, sometimes, even when we are ultimately thankful for the honor!

The Great Pumpkin

We were at a halloween party on the weekend, and good ol' Charlie Brown was playing as the outdoor feature film. While sitting in my lawn chair reliving my childhood, some frightening thoughts came to mind. I consider myself a "good" person in general, with many of the characteristics I would like to see in my own children, but wonder if they will surface given the current theme of child rearing. Thus, some observations:

1. All the characters symbolized a different type of personality which each had to try and get along in the cold, cruel world of childhood play: the bossy Lucy, the dreamer Linus, the bullied Charlie Brown, the stinky, unkempt PigPen, and the list goes on. Where are these characters now? Did Charlie Brown finally pull himself together or did become a teenage statistic? Did Lucy go on to rule her adult world, or submit to teenage pressures and hormones? Did Schroeder carry on with is talents? Did Linus carry on being easy going, or rebel? And pigpen . . . did he ever clue in and have a shower, or did he remain an eternal stinky guy? I had never thought about it before - the impact of their childhood behaviors on their futures . . .

2. When the rare "special" came on TV, before the era of TIVO and DVD, you arrange your night around being on time or missing the big event. On the rare occasion your timing was off or you had other engagements, life went on. You may have been disappointed and even had a tantrum, but you survived "missing out."

3. No parents where hovering around correcting behavior - Charlie Brown nearly broke his back AGAIN after being foiled by Lucy and her empty promises, Linus was called a block head numerous times and kids were left to go trick or treating as a group with no apparent fear of being abducted by crazy pervs.

4. Costumes were simple. The sheet ghost and maybe a tacky mask you could hardly see out of or breath from. There was no mega store to drag your parents too begging for the latest Disney character. Shoe polish on the face was acceptable. Raiding your parents closet was a staple for halloween garb. And halloween just wasn't halloween unless you got to stick your head in to a spit filled apple bobbing bin. (Gross!!)

I'm not questioning which is the better method, the past or the present, simply reflecting on how much things change in such a short time. In our house this year, we have a collection of spooky halloween movies, a purchased Cleopatra and firefighter costume (my little boy is politically correct at 4 yrs - "No mommy, it's not a fireMAN, it's a fireFIGHTER costume!") My children will be hovered over as they walk house to house, and I will continue to intervene when they are picking on each other or their friends - at least if I see and hear the infraction - as that is what is expected of me as a New Millennium Mom. Secretly though, I hope they both get put in their place every once in a while so a little cause an effect about reality kicks in . The Peanuts gang seemed to survive - I think.

Happy Birthday To MEEEEEE

Today I turned 40. There was a lot of anticipation from others asking over the past year, "What are you doing for the big Four Ohh??" I had grandiose plans a long time ago. Reality arrived today and it has been perfect. Much easier than 30. Peaceful. Content. Accomplished. When I think about being 20 and what I wanted for my life, I have it. How many people can say that? Sure, I still have goals, a long road ahead with further challenges and things unknown, but all in all, I am happy today. I have a great life, great kids, great husband and many blessings. What more could I ask for on this day??

How did I spend it? Two music filled cards that my kids picked out (one with a bear burping, which cracked them up - dd's choice, and a police car with sirens - my son's - both more for a drunken party person, but they didn't know that!) I got to go pick out a new dishwasher as mine crapped out last night (after being repaired a few times over the past few years. I ate lunch with a girlfriend at a cute little cafe. I hit the Container Store and grabbed a few things to make a "wrapping station" as I'm so sick of being attacked in my closet by the random bags and boxes of "wrapping stuff". I found a new purse and bought it for myself, which later turned out to have been a big save for my husband as he only had two hours to "get Mommy a present" when our 5 yr old announced to Daddy this morning that she didn't have anything and was quite upset. Rather than them going out after school, the store bag was handed over and I did a great fake job of being over the moon surprised. Little man gave me lots of kisses and a few imaginary gifts - a new blue car that can fly and a hammer . . . . hmmm. Then I ate a fab dinner cooked by kids and daddy, blew out a few candles, and darted off to my night class to write a midterm I didn't bother studying for. I'm on a plane in the early AM for a 4 day visit to NYC - my first ever, and I'm very excited. Hubby planned the whole thing (and we all know how much I hate planning!!), so all I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. He is the best person I have ever travelled with, which makes it all the better, and NYC is one of his favorite places on earth, so he's sure to show me a great time. All I know is we are staying down town on Central Park and starting with a show on Friday night.

Today life is good, and I'm just enjoying the moment of peace.

Thanks for the comments over the past few months, which I just found today! Time to start taking notes as I'm blogging from class . . .

All aboard! The Crazy Train has been running through here a little too often. An update:

I am very impressed with the way my new "system" has been working. After my last post, I managed to create blackline masters for a weekly menu plan, personal schedule (weekday/weekend), system to keep my calendars/todo's synced, responsibility charts for the kids AND have kept a clean house, organized work areas, clean kid rooms and stocked fridge - all while getting massive amounts of homework done. If you are interested in copies - send me a note and I'm happy to share.

Sounds great except for the reality of it all. The process of creating the forms brought out the best of my OCD/Type A/perfectionistic tendencies. I spent hours, literally, scanning the internet for JUST the right form - but ended up creating my own. I looked for more hours for meal ideas (despite being a great cook), so I could fill my meal binder and get my system up and running. This is when it really fell apart. I have a massive unconscious fear of failure (it became obvious to me, if I wasn't already aware of it at some level) as finding the "right" meals to fill in my silly chart was an overwhelming task. Somehow, I had concluded that I had to get it perfect before I actually hit print. Crazy. Then, after being up until 5am in a manic state, so proud of myself for fighting myself and getting it done, realized within minutes that my "perfect plan" wasn't at all functioning for me once I got off the computer and put it in to play . . . .

Lesson number 1: A working draft is much more reasonable than a finished product, and changing a system is part of the process. Nothing life threatening will happen to you if you get something down on paper and then change your mind.

Former Irrational Belief: once I had committed it to paper, if it changed, I must be a failure for not having figured it out in the first place.

Next came the "behavior chart" for the kids, in an attempt to get them on board with helping out and being more responsible. More hours of searching for just the right system, and falling into the same trap. I finally found what worked for me and my beliefs (not a sticker reward system but a self reflection for them at the end of the day). Chart made, icons found.

The week began and I followed my schedule. It was hard sticking to one task and following through rather than flitting from thing to thing accomplishing nothing. I like my schedule. I bit the bullet and made my shopping list for the week (off my meal plan) and stuck to it as I walked the isles of Target. Comedy of it all . . . for the past two weeks I have only made one of the meals from the plan due life events. BUT, I have the ingredients to whip up one of the meals at any moment.

Lesson Learned: Even with a plan, spontaneity still works. A plan is a guide, not a doctrine.

Former Irrational Belief: If I committed it to paper, I would have to stick to it. I would have to fit my life to "the plan" rather than the plan to life. I can still be me (spontaneous and going with the flow, yet have direction)

The "gadgets" I love are the Iphone and the "shopper" and "toodledo" apps. I have toodledo on my Mac, as I really didn't like the visual of Notes/email etc. I am a VERY visual person, and basically process that way, so being able to have everything in front of me to see, regardless of where I am, really helps.

The Mom Agenda is redundant at this point, but I use it to help me focus for my "weekly" overview. I make sure I have my calendar up to date on my iphone/computer (they're synced, so I don't do it twice) and I write my notes from phone calls or things coming up for the week in the designated areas - Kids, Homework, House . . . it's a great "week at a glance" system, while my Iphone is great for booking the appointments while on the spot. I place my stickies in there as well so I have them for the week to transfer info when needed (to do list etc)

Lesson Learned: A new system can still incorporate the things that worked prior to it. I love stickie notes, and having them all in one place works for me better than all over the walls and counters.

Former Irrational Belief: an overhaul means out with the old and in with the new. Down with stickies because I lose them.

And finally, the main reasons the Crazy Train has been boarded come from the real life events that mess up all my planning. We have work issues for my husband that change daily. It's a roller coaster ride and I'm exhausted. These are big ticket items and I would love to have some closure. We thought my father in law was diagnosed with ALS and on his last few months, prepped for hospice and estate planning finals, then were given a rediagnosis and possible treatment option (CIPD rather than ALS, which is treatable) All very good new, just more emotional roller coastering! My current course instructor loves to give mountains of busy work, with minimal direction, then decides what she wants after we've completed it and sees our products. This equals more hours of time planning, searching and developing programs only to have to revamp them. Impact on me and my family . . . they've hardly seen me, which sucks as hubby has been away (dealing with dad and work!) since the great Overhaul. And just when it seemed I had enough of my plate (which is always overflowing), we had a liver biopsy done on our son Monday - his second - to try and determine the cause and treatment options for a liver issue that has been ongoing for years. After a full day at a hospital, with some major errors in communication which led us to think he was in surgery twice as long as needed getting intervention from the cardiologist (a story for a different day), and a five hour recovery period, I got the call from his doctor yesterday that went like this:

Mrs. P - I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it . . . . . (my heart instantly in my throat and adrenalin rush hits) they've lost the biopsy sample and we have to do it again. This has never happened in my history of being a doctor. (And he's OLD) I don't know what to say other than I feel sick about it.

I am never speechless. This did me in though. I sat in silence. I didn't know quiet what to say either. I was still trying to get over the thought that I was going to hear a horrid diagnosis, while also trying to determine what this meant for my sweet four year old boy . . .

We're booking in again in the next few weeks. We're getting another ultrasound, more blood work, another little sleep thanks to the anesthesiologist , biopsy puncture into the old hole, 5 hr recovery (to watch for internal bleeding). I'm sooo excited!!! NOT. I can only pray at this point that it is all worth it and we at least get some answers.

Off to do more homework, and get some groceries. Life is never dull, that's for sure!

Stress = Change, Self Discipline = Success

No, this is not me . . . but it is definitely how I've been feeling around here lately! Despite all my efforts to stay on top of keeping house and kids organized, homework completed and self sane, I have been doing a dismal job resulting in more than a desired amount of yelling at my kids and a constant feeling on trying to catch up. My husband does not believe that at heart, I love a very orderly environment although I demonstrate chaos around me most of the time. One improvement came from moving to the Iphone apps and keeping notes, calendar, too do's and shopping lists etc. in one place. As a visual person, I find a print out of the monthly calendar by the phone also helped. Then there are the stickies I place on the counter as I remember things to add to the lists . . . and the basket on the stairs for kid clutter I collect that needs to get put away . . . and the constant reminders for the kids to listen to what I've just asked them to do and actually follow through . . . oh, and this term's massive amount of homework (I'm doing my masters) . . . oh wait, now school is back and there are the folders and kinder homework and guided reading . . . . and where did I put that list . . . . and hey, I need to check my email . . . . wait, we are late for karate and I can't find the uniforms I just put out to get the kids into . . . ahhhhh.

So last weekend I lost it - my sanity - and decided it was time to get it back. Isn't the saying that when you keep doing things the way you've always done them, you'll keep getting the same results? I was confused, because I had worked really hard to get a bunch of new systems going on in the name of organization. The pantry got a make over last spring (yes, that helped!), I have bins everywhere so that everything has a place, but it still was a madhouse. The kids and I spent the entire weekend reorganizing toys, reducing the amount of "stuff", updating the clothes by sorting, replacing or donating. Still, this week was crazy. This morning, the epiphany came - after a week of hell with an assignment I had been working on. I have two MAJOR skill deficits - committing to a schedule and following through/procrastinating. Regardless of all the organization strategies I have in place, I am still a random person who like to wing it. I need to face my fear of failure and learn to become one with some goals and planning. Daily life is NOT coming together for me simply by waking in the morning and seeing how it all unfolds. Having appointments and commitments on a calendar is not enough. Today, I bit the bullet and revised my plan. I made a daily schedule, am in the process of making a weekly meal plan/grocery list (thanks to my g/f finding a site that includes grocery list)and set the following goals:

1. Follow my schedule for one week and evaluate

2. Use the MomAgenda as my main source of planning for the week (instead of stickies!), then use iphone for the same things I have been that are working: to do list, shopping list etc.

3. Complete one task before I move on to the next

4. Use Saturday for prepping the week ahead (meal planning, writing out the following week on the Momagenda etc.)

5. Reward positive behavior! (kids and myself!)

In addition, starting last week, I have gotten much stricter with the kids and following through. I also need to walk the walk, and model what I am wanting from them. Before fun, get required stuff done. Before moving on, finish what you are doing. Listen the first time (which means I need to be disciplined in stopping, facing them, and speaking rather than throwing out a request as I scurry around getting things done).

Maybe to some, it doesn't sound like much, but for me, this is massive. As a former teacher, I would have panic attack over goal setting and scheduling (guess why I'm not working anymore!!) but thanks to maturity/experience, family necessity, and two more years of education, I've concluded that I am my own worst enemy and it's time to face my fears. If I fail, yes, fail, (the "Word which may not be named" in a perfectionist's world), the worst that will happen is life will return to the state it already is - Stressed. If I succeed, hurray for me, and hello peace! At least in one aspect of my life. The kids and their development (fighting, back talking, learning to be responsible), that's ongoing. With my 40th birthday a few weeks away, I have finally chosen to let go of the old habits and thinking patterns, and embrace the challenge of something new.

I like the concept of "planners" but have never found the Office Depot version suited to my needs. The Mom Agenda was given to me by my Planning Freak sister in law, so I didn't really pay much attention because she's been packing a filofax for years and my iphone apps seemed much more suited to my randomness. Then my neighbor brought hers out yesterday and told me it was her bible. When I looked at mine again this morning during my epiphany, all the pieces of my puzzle started to come together, and the thing really rocks. If you haven't checked it out, do so.

Time to move on to the next task! I hear the laundry . . .

Being Balanced in the Real World

A few nights ago I rented the movie "Phoebe in Wonderland", as it looked like an interesting movie to to watch with my daughter. I hadn't seen the trailer, but the write up on the back had me convinced it would be the type of movie we could sit and watch together while discussing the issues being presented. We had done the same with "Clarissa", the American Girl movie, and got a lot out of the experience. Half way through the movie, despite my daughter really enjoying it, I realized it was far more adult intended than a child's movie. Much to her dismay, we shut it down and finished watching it on my own later in the evening. Without giving much away, I highly recommend the movie to all mothers struggling with the reality of trying to be everything to everyone while attempting to raise well adjusted children.

With that being said, the title of my post become relevant. As summer comes to an end for us with school going back next week, I'm finding my patience level for children to be nearly non-existent. They have not changed, and are most likely just looking for a little structure and mommy created fun, but I am missing the spark to create. I want to be left alone, perhaps for weeks, with nothing but a good book or 10, and silence. I am feeling very unbalanced, yet trapped and at a loss for a way to get balanced. My husband would argue that I simply have too much time on my hands, thus have time to think myself in to misery. Which leads me to my second experience from an external source - Eat, Pray, Love.

In her above mentioned book, Elizabeth Gilbert is able to find balance. I was completely connected to her search for balance, peace and meaning during the majority of the book. However, towards the end, as I put it down at a call to duty, I was engulfed with anger - or perhaps jealousy. With no one but herself to be accountable to or for, a bank account filled with cash, and time - she was able to finally settle herself enough to know herself and get herself back on track after disappearing from the real world. (I type this as my 5 yr old sits beside me in a multiple room house blowing a whistle). By the end of the book I had shifted from being a convert wanting to take up yoga to a cynic believing it may be another 20 yrs until my search for meaning can begin.

Even though I have bounced between two completely different thoughts (being trapped and being free), the issue that remains constant in these two stories it a search for doing the right thing - right for self and right for others. Is this not the eternal struggle of motherhood? As much as I wanted to be Elizabeth Gilbert in the moment (as I do right now, rather than listening to a whistle), I see my current state of reality far more that of the mother in the movie. My goal now is to become the women somewhere in between.

And the pendulum swings . . .

It isn't one thing that caused a light bulb to recently go off, more an accumulation of information that provided a cerebral poke. A number of things have been happening simultaneously: child rearing, reading a text on understanding diversity and articles in the media, and self reflection. My children have suddenly turned from semi-polite and empathetic individuals to self serving, selfish, competitive and rude foreigners. There hasn't been any major shift in our life, nor introduction to new media or friends, so I'm hoping it comes in part with the two of them approaching new cognitive milestones which force the testing of boundaries. I am not at all impressed with the recent demonstrations of spitting, hitting, back talk, bullying, put downs and one up man ship. Although I value individualism, personal responsibility, accountability and choice theory, it appears that in looking out for number one, narcissism is becoming a way of life. I see a flaw in my value system - despite wanting my children to be individuals, I now encourage them to be more considerate of others and reflect on how their choices impact not only each other, but those around them as well. This is far more a collectivist view - sure look out for number one, and look to yourself for success and failures, but consider others along the way.

I remember pondering this at Christmas when we were attending a social event that included the children waiting in line with other parents and children to get a balloon character from an Mr. Elf. I proudly watched as my children waited their turns patiently, even when other children butted in front. Two kids had already received balloon animals, played with them and caused the shape to shift. In a huff, they complained to the parents who prompted the children to ask Mr. Elf to fix it for them. The kids jumped to the front of the group, and Mr. Elf helped them because they were the leaders of the pack. At the time, I thought the parents were rude and doing their offspring a severe disservice. Later when my husband and I were discussing this, and affirming the values we wanted our children to have, he question who was really doing the disservice - us for teaching our children to stand back in the name of politeness and good manners, or the "bad" parents for encouraging their kids to move to the front to get what they wanted. I'm still on the fence over the whole incident, but the point remains the same. Who will ultimately be successful, and how do I want to define success?

Back to my currently poorly behaved kids, I have brought down new house rules in preparation for school getting out tomorrow. In the past few days there has been zero tolerance for rudeness towards parents. Backtalk gets you time alone in your room. Hitting others gets you alone time in your room. Ignoring requests to head to your room earns you loss of privileges. I've shifted my language from consequences to loss of privileges as I feel my kids live a very privileged life. If choosing to be rude, you choose to be alone as in choosing to be physical, you choose to alienate those around you. I'm trying to teach natural consequences (privilege of having friends!) based on personal responsibility. If you want people to like you and spend time with you, be nice! But society isn't necessarily sending the same message, at least not the society I'm seeing lately. Unfortunately, my new tactics are also a work in practice, as following through is becoming a bit of a challenge. Every choice I make now, I question, as it goes against the philosophies I was attempting to assimilate, such as Barbara Coloroso's, of whom I'm a big fan. I can't quite reconcile the concepts of discipline and punishment, or being controlling vs being nurturing. If my motivation for time alone is to reflect on how to make a better choice, is it the same as social isolation? Is cleaning out the toyroom/bedroom and placing all things in lockdown for items to be earned back with good behavior punitive or a way to highlight how much my kids have that they take for granted. Will a three and five year old get the point or just view me as the mean mommy who took all their stuff away?

Part of our bed time ritual is story time, and always has been. Recently, as the dynamics have shifted around here, it seems I am sending the wrong message by having my kid hit me, spit at me or lip me off over something they didn't approve of (like not getting candy, watching tv etc), at bed time, send them to their room to get ready for bed, then cuddle up and read together. Instead, I still meet with them, discuss how the behavior was hurtful to me not how one encourages affection in others - confirm I love them and still give the hug and kiss, and tell them I hope they make a different choice tomorrow night so we can have our story time. I'm comparing it to never going to bed with a spouse angry - yet we kiss and make up, but do I still have to read to them? Part of me says yes, but the other part questions how they learn that being mean to others alienates. At what point do I stop and consider how far the pendulum has swung to a child centered perspective from the be seen and not heard era. If we are becoming so much more enlightened as a society because we no longer beat on our children to get them to obey, why are they now just down right rude and nasty? Or have they always been, and we are yet to see the impact of the enlightened ways with the Narcissistic crowd just spin offs from the over indulged Baby Boomer era. The pendulum is swinging away from prosperity. Where will it leave us in our quest to raise a "better" generation of kids?

Not exactly how I wanted to start my morning, riding to the hospital with my little man at 7am. I knew an ear infection was brewing when he woke up tugging at his ear around midnight and had started a fever. He has tubes, but one has started to come out, and allergies are at a peak right now, all equalling an ear infection. No biggie. We have had more than our fair share. Tylenol to the rescue and back to sleep. Just before 7, he is screaming, which never happens, and calling for Mommy. He is super hot, and I check his temp quickly - 102.4, which isn't really bad for him. He's hit 104+ a few times. In goes the Motrin, my preference to Tylenol and I think all is well. Then funky breathing starts, which I saw once before when he was 5 wks old. His eyes roll, he goes limp, and barely breathing. I'm shouting at him to open his eyes and look at Mommy. He takes intermitent breathes, randomly. I scream for hubby to call 911. I'm a very calm person, so if I'm shouting, hubby knows it is serious. They arrive a few minutes later and his breathing has stablized. Neighbor arrives to take sister. Off we go with Daddy following. After a few hours at the hospital, we determine I got to witness the end of a febrile seizure. I've seen lots of seizures when working with Special Needs kids, but not use to missing the stiff jerk part. All is well for now and we're back home with our hundredth Omnicef Rx. Nothing like an adrenalin kick to replace my morning coffee. The riding of the Crazy Train continues . . .

Building Self Esteem

Part of the reason I regularly ride the crazy train is my children, with last night being a perfect example. Rather than having a lovely, well deserved sleep, my brain decided 2am would be the perfect time to analyze:

1. My reaction to the hair cut

2. The possible reactions D will receive at school this morning and the fall out as she is hyper sensitive on a good day

3. Do I provide morning prep or let life happen?

4. Will the fallout permanently damage her self esteem and encourage her need for approval rather than risk taking?

5. Is the fact that I am laying there even thinking about this more of an issue impacting her self esteem than anything I could possible think up on my own?

Just before I fell asleep, I let go of the analyzing by determining that I was a full fledged Micro-analyst Talent Fairy. If this term doesn’t mean anything to you, a little reading of the Disney Fairies series is in order, specifically Prilla.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=disney+fairy .

Prilla doesn’t know what her true calling in life is, (ie: talent) and tries really hard to fit into a number of different occupations. Sounds familiar. The light bulb went off this morning, and I believe I have finally found my talent. Yet I digress from my ride on the crazy train.

When she asked me if I thought her hair looked silly, I lied and said “No.” I don't want her to constantly be seeking my approval, even though a No is still a response/approval. My other choices included telling her what I really thought (yes), yet I gave her the one I knew she wanted to hear to keep her feeling confident, or provide the “What mommy thinks is not important” speech. She would have quickly clued in that I did think her hair looked silly and she would have felt bad and second guessed herself (which might not have been a bad thing the next time she headed for a pair of scissors). Obviously there is no "right" answer here, but it is fun to torture myself in to believing a I should have one. When I asked her if she liked it, she replied “Yes, I think I look beautiful. Miss Laila (her teacher) won’t even recognize me!” Now I was in a really tough spot because her self esteem was quite high over the ordeal and given her sensitive nature, sure to be crushed quite easily. I didn’t want to be the one to do it, nor the one to criticize her and impede her already limited risk taking efforts, by pointing out how she may do it better next time (like leave it a little lower than her hair line!). I debated having a role play over how she was going to handle it if someone told her she looked funny (which I anticipate one her classmates would suggest), and then give the speech about her thoughts being the only one that mattered but knew that she would then start to feel anxious, regretting her decision to cut her hair in the first place, which she was currently very proud about. I knew she was feeling very proud when the neighbour (a father of 3 teen girls) was wise enough to say “Your haircut looks very pretty” and she replied with a smile and “I know.” Oh to have that confidence all the time! Without concluding what the "best" option could have/would have been given a do over, I gave up an moved on to Prilla.

This morning, I gave her teacher the heads up that she was feeling very proud of her haircut, to which Miss Laila responded that she hadn’t even noticed. D’s hair is so short it looks no different than when she pulls it back with a clip. She doubted anyone would even notice or care, but asked how D felt about it and if she did it herself. Knowing sweet D as she does, she quickly understood how a nuclear meltdown may occur if D received negativity towards her new doo . . . .

I’m eager to see what D reports at the end of the day. In the meantime, I’ll research future career options for people who share my love for analysis!

The First Haircut

Not in the traditional sense, like baby's first hair cut. More like, "Look Mommy, I cut my hair!" Why do they always go as close to the scalp as possible? Perhaps she was trying to copy the look of "Bangs pulled back in a clip". I hope my sensitive little bug is able to handle the inquiry from her classmates on Monday!