Being Balanced in the Real World

A few nights ago I rented the movie "Phoebe in Wonderland", as it looked like an interesting movie to to watch with my daughter. I hadn't seen the trailer, but the write up on the back had me convinced it would be the type of movie we could sit and watch together while discussing the issues being presented. We had done the same with "Clarissa", the American Girl movie, and got a lot out of the experience. Half way through the movie, despite my daughter really enjoying it, I realized it was far more adult intended than a child's movie. Much to her dismay, we shut it down and finished watching it on my own later in the evening. Without giving much away, I highly recommend the movie to all mothers struggling with the reality of trying to be everything to everyone while attempting to raise well adjusted children.

With that being said, the title of my post become relevant. As summer comes to an end for us with school going back next week, I'm finding my patience level for children to be nearly non-existent. They have not changed, and are most likely just looking for a little structure and mommy created fun, but I am missing the spark to create. I want to be left alone, perhaps for weeks, with nothing but a good book or 10, and silence. I am feeling very unbalanced, yet trapped and at a loss for a way to get balanced. My husband would argue that I simply have too much time on my hands, thus have time to think myself in to misery. Which leads me to my second experience from an external source - Eat, Pray, Love.

In her above mentioned book, Elizabeth Gilbert is able to find balance. I was completely connected to her search for balance, peace and meaning during the majority of the book. However, towards the end, as I put it down at a call to duty, I was engulfed with anger - or perhaps jealousy. With no one but herself to be accountable to or for, a bank account filled with cash, and time - she was able to finally settle herself enough to know herself and get herself back on track after disappearing from the real world. (I type this as my 5 yr old sits beside me in a multiple room house blowing a whistle). By the end of the book I had shifted from being a convert wanting to take up yoga to a cynic believing it may be another 20 yrs until my search for meaning can begin.

Even though I have bounced between two completely different thoughts (being trapped and being free), the issue that remains constant in these two stories it a search for doing the right thing - right for self and right for others. Is this not the eternal struggle of motherhood? As much as I wanted to be Elizabeth Gilbert in the moment (as I do right now, rather than listening to a whistle), I see my current state of reality far more that of the mother in the movie. My goal now is to become the women somewhere in between.

And the pendulum swings . . .

It isn't one thing that caused a light bulb to recently go off, more an accumulation of information that provided a cerebral poke. A number of things have been happening simultaneously: child rearing, reading a text on understanding diversity and articles in the media, and self reflection. My children have suddenly turned from semi-polite and empathetic individuals to self serving, selfish, competitive and rude foreigners. There hasn't been any major shift in our life, nor introduction to new media or friends, so I'm hoping it comes in part with the two of them approaching new cognitive milestones which force the testing of boundaries. I am not at all impressed with the recent demonstrations of spitting, hitting, back talk, bullying, put downs and one up man ship. Although I value individualism, personal responsibility, accountability and choice theory, it appears that in looking out for number one, narcissism is becoming a way of life. I see a flaw in my value system - despite wanting my children to be individuals, I now encourage them to be more considerate of others and reflect on how their choices impact not only each other, but those around them as well. This is far more a collectivist view - sure look out for number one, and look to yourself for success and failures, but consider others along the way.

I remember pondering this at Christmas when we were attending a social event that included the children waiting in line with other parents and children to get a balloon character from an Mr. Elf. I proudly watched as my children waited their turns patiently, even when other children butted in front. Two kids had already received balloon animals, played with them and caused the shape to shift. In a huff, they complained to the parents who prompted the children to ask Mr. Elf to fix it for them. The kids jumped to the front of the group, and Mr. Elf helped them because they were the leaders of the pack. At the time, I thought the parents were rude and doing their offspring a severe disservice. Later when my husband and I were discussing this, and affirming the values we wanted our children to have, he question who was really doing the disservice - us for teaching our children to stand back in the name of politeness and good manners, or the "bad" parents for encouraging their kids to move to the front to get what they wanted. I'm still on the fence over the whole incident, but the point remains the same. Who will ultimately be successful, and how do I want to define success?

Back to my currently poorly behaved kids, I have brought down new house rules in preparation for school getting out tomorrow. In the past few days there has been zero tolerance for rudeness towards parents. Backtalk gets you time alone in your room. Hitting others gets you alone time in your room. Ignoring requests to head to your room earns you loss of privileges. I've shifted my language from consequences to loss of privileges as I feel my kids live a very privileged life. If choosing to be rude, you choose to be alone as in choosing to be physical, you choose to alienate those around you. I'm trying to teach natural consequences (privilege of having friends!) based on personal responsibility. If you want people to like you and spend time with you, be nice! But society isn't necessarily sending the same message, at least not the society I'm seeing lately. Unfortunately, my new tactics are also a work in practice, as following through is becoming a bit of a challenge. Every choice I make now, I question, as it goes against the philosophies I was attempting to assimilate, such as Barbara Coloroso's, of whom I'm a big fan. I can't quite reconcile the concepts of discipline and punishment, or being controlling vs being nurturing. If my motivation for time alone is to reflect on how to make a better choice, is it the same as social isolation? Is cleaning out the toyroom/bedroom and placing all things in lockdown for items to be earned back with good behavior punitive or a way to highlight how much my kids have that they take for granted. Will a three and five year old get the point or just view me as the mean mommy who took all their stuff away?

Part of our bed time ritual is story time, and always has been. Recently, as the dynamics have shifted around here, it seems I am sending the wrong message by having my kid hit me, spit at me or lip me off over something they didn't approve of (like not getting candy, watching tv etc), at bed time, send them to their room to get ready for bed, then cuddle up and read together. Instead, I still meet with them, discuss how the behavior was hurtful to me not how one encourages affection in others - confirm I love them and still give the hug and kiss, and tell them I hope they make a different choice tomorrow night so we can have our story time. I'm comparing it to never going to bed with a spouse angry - yet we kiss and make up, but do I still have to read to them? Part of me says yes, but the other part questions how they learn that being mean to others alienates. At what point do I stop and consider how far the pendulum has swung to a child centered perspective from the be seen and not heard era. If we are becoming so much more enlightened as a society because we no longer beat on our children to get them to obey, why are they now just down right rude and nasty? Or have they always been, and we are yet to see the impact of the enlightened ways with the Narcissistic crowd just spin offs from the over indulged Baby Boomer era. The pendulum is swinging away from prosperity. Where will it leave us in our quest to raise a "better" generation of kids?

Not exactly how I wanted to start my morning, riding to the hospital with my little man at 7am. I knew an ear infection was brewing when he woke up tugging at his ear around midnight and had started a fever. He has tubes, but one has started to come out, and allergies are at a peak right now, all equalling an ear infection. No biggie. We have had more than our fair share. Tylenol to the rescue and back to sleep. Just before 7, he is screaming, which never happens, and calling for Mommy. He is super hot, and I check his temp quickly - 102.4, which isn't really bad for him. He's hit 104+ a few times. In goes the Motrin, my preference to Tylenol and I think all is well. Then funky breathing starts, which I saw once before when he was 5 wks old. His eyes roll, he goes limp, and barely breathing. I'm shouting at him to open his eyes and look at Mommy. He takes intermitent breathes, randomly. I scream for hubby to call 911. I'm a very calm person, so if I'm shouting, hubby knows it is serious. They arrive a few minutes later and his breathing has stablized. Neighbor arrives to take sister. Off we go with Daddy following. After a few hours at the hospital, we determine I got to witness the end of a febrile seizure. I've seen lots of seizures when working with Special Needs kids, but not use to missing the stiff jerk part. All is well for now and we're back home with our hundredth Omnicef Rx. Nothing like an adrenalin kick to replace my morning coffee. The riding of the Crazy Train continues . . .

Building Self Esteem

Part of the reason I regularly ride the crazy train is my children, with last night being a perfect example. Rather than having a lovely, well deserved sleep, my brain decided 2am would be the perfect time to analyze:

1. My reaction to the hair cut

2. The possible reactions D will receive at school this morning and the fall out as she is hyper sensitive on a good day

3. Do I provide morning prep or let life happen?

4. Will the fallout permanently damage her self esteem and encourage her need for approval rather than risk taking?

5. Is the fact that I am laying there even thinking about this more of an issue impacting her self esteem than anything I could possible think up on my own?

Just before I fell asleep, I let go of the analyzing by determining that I was a full fledged Micro-analyst Talent Fairy. If this term doesn’t mean anything to you, a little reading of the Disney Fairies series is in order, specifically Prilla.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=disney+fairy .

Prilla doesn’t know what her true calling in life is, (ie: talent) and tries really hard to fit into a number of different occupations. Sounds familiar. The light bulb went off this morning, and I believe I have finally found my talent. Yet I digress from my ride on the crazy train.

When she asked me if I thought her hair looked silly, I lied and said “No.” I don't want her to constantly be seeking my approval, even though a No is still a response/approval. My other choices included telling her what I really thought (yes), yet I gave her the one I knew she wanted to hear to keep her feeling confident, or provide the “What mommy thinks is not important” speech. She would have quickly clued in that I did think her hair looked silly and she would have felt bad and second guessed herself (which might not have been a bad thing the next time she headed for a pair of scissors). Obviously there is no "right" answer here, but it is fun to torture myself in to believing a I should have one. When I asked her if she liked it, she replied “Yes, I think I look beautiful. Miss Laila (her teacher) won’t even recognize me!” Now I was in a really tough spot because her self esteem was quite high over the ordeal and given her sensitive nature, sure to be crushed quite easily. I didn’t want to be the one to do it, nor the one to criticize her and impede her already limited risk taking efforts, by pointing out how she may do it better next time (like leave it a little lower than her hair line!). I debated having a role play over how she was going to handle it if someone told her she looked funny (which I anticipate one her classmates would suggest), and then give the speech about her thoughts being the only one that mattered but knew that she would then start to feel anxious, regretting her decision to cut her hair in the first place, which she was currently very proud about. I knew she was feeling very proud when the neighbour (a father of 3 teen girls) was wise enough to say “Your haircut looks very pretty” and she replied with a smile and “I know.” Oh to have that confidence all the time! Without concluding what the "best" option could have/would have been given a do over, I gave up an moved on to Prilla.

This morning, I gave her teacher the heads up that she was feeling very proud of her haircut, to which Miss Laila responded that she hadn’t even noticed. D’s hair is so short it looks no different than when she pulls it back with a clip. She doubted anyone would even notice or care, but asked how D felt about it and if she did it herself. Knowing sweet D as she does, she quickly understood how a nuclear meltdown may occur if D received negativity towards her new doo . . . .

I’m eager to see what D reports at the end of the day. In the meantime, I’ll research future career options for people who share my love for analysis!

The First Haircut

Not in the traditional sense, like baby's first hair cut. More like, "Look Mommy, I cut my hair!" Why do they always go as close to the scalp as possible? Perhaps she was trying to copy the look of "Bangs pulled back in a clip". I hope my sensitive little bug is able to handle the inquiry from her classmates on Monday!