And the pendulum swings . . .

It isn't one thing that caused a light bulb to recently go off, more an accumulation of information that provided a cerebral poke. A number of things have been happening simultaneously: child rearing, reading a text on understanding diversity and articles in the media, and self reflection. My children have suddenly turned from semi-polite and empathetic individuals to self serving, selfish, competitive and rude foreigners. There hasn't been any major shift in our life, nor introduction to new media or friends, so I'm hoping it comes in part with the two of them approaching new cognitive milestones which force the testing of boundaries. I am not at all impressed with the recent demonstrations of spitting, hitting, back talk, bullying, put downs and one up man ship. Although I value individualism, personal responsibility, accountability and choice theory, it appears that in looking out for number one, narcissism is becoming a way of life. I see a flaw in my value system - despite wanting my children to be individuals, I now encourage them to be more considerate of others and reflect on how their choices impact not only each other, but those around them as well. This is far more a collectivist view - sure look out for number one, and look to yourself for success and failures, but consider others along the way.

I remember pondering this at Christmas when we were attending a social event that included the children waiting in line with other parents and children to get a balloon character from an Mr. Elf. I proudly watched as my children waited their turns patiently, even when other children butted in front. Two kids had already received balloon animals, played with them and caused the shape to shift. In a huff, they complained to the parents who prompted the children to ask Mr. Elf to fix it for them. The kids jumped to the front of the group, and Mr. Elf helped them because they were the leaders of the pack. At the time, I thought the parents were rude and doing their offspring a severe disservice. Later when my husband and I were discussing this, and affirming the values we wanted our children to have, he question who was really doing the disservice - us for teaching our children to stand back in the name of politeness and good manners, or the "bad" parents for encouraging their kids to move to the front to get what they wanted. I'm still on the fence over the whole incident, but the point remains the same. Who will ultimately be successful, and how do I want to define success?

Back to my currently poorly behaved kids, I have brought down new house rules in preparation for school getting out tomorrow. In the past few days there has been zero tolerance for rudeness towards parents. Backtalk gets you time alone in your room. Hitting others gets you alone time in your room. Ignoring requests to head to your room earns you loss of privileges. I've shifted my language from consequences to loss of privileges as I feel my kids live a very privileged life. If choosing to be rude, you choose to be alone as in choosing to be physical, you choose to alienate those around you. I'm trying to teach natural consequences (privilege of having friends!) based on personal responsibility. If you want people to like you and spend time with you, be nice! But society isn't necessarily sending the same message, at least not the society I'm seeing lately. Unfortunately, my new tactics are also a work in practice, as following through is becoming a bit of a challenge. Every choice I make now, I question, as it goes against the philosophies I was attempting to assimilate, such as Barbara Coloroso's, of whom I'm a big fan. I can't quite reconcile the concepts of discipline and punishment, or being controlling vs being nurturing. If my motivation for time alone is to reflect on how to make a better choice, is it the same as social isolation? Is cleaning out the toyroom/bedroom and placing all things in lockdown for items to be earned back with good behavior punitive or a way to highlight how much my kids have that they take for granted. Will a three and five year old get the point or just view me as the mean mommy who took all their stuff away?

Part of our bed time ritual is story time, and always has been. Recently, as the dynamics have shifted around here, it seems I am sending the wrong message by having my kid hit me, spit at me or lip me off over something they didn't approve of (like not getting candy, watching tv etc), at bed time, send them to their room to get ready for bed, then cuddle up and read together. Instead, I still meet with them, discuss how the behavior was hurtful to me not how one encourages affection in others - confirm I love them and still give the hug and kiss, and tell them I hope they make a different choice tomorrow night so we can have our story time. I'm comparing it to never going to bed with a spouse angry - yet we kiss and make up, but do I still have to read to them? Part of me says yes, but the other part questions how they learn that being mean to others alienates. At what point do I stop and consider how far the pendulum has swung to a child centered perspective from the be seen and not heard era. If we are becoming so much more enlightened as a society because we no longer beat on our children to get them to obey, why are they now just down right rude and nasty? Or have they always been, and we are yet to see the impact of the enlightened ways with the Narcissistic crowd just spin offs from the over indulged Baby Boomer era. The pendulum is swinging away from prosperity. Where will it leave us in our quest to raise a "better" generation of kids?